hmm

"Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."

http://www.bestinspiration.com/stories/The_Power_Of_Your_Actions.htm

^ should read

Gravity

i guess i haven't counted my blessings in awhile.

so thanks God for the people

that i am able to be around that allow me to be free from gravity's hold :]

Grr..

This week is sooooooooooooo busy...

Monday Hip hop 330-500 @ EV

Wednesday Night Rally 730-900 @ Bell come and support plox make sure you bring your student ID (omg how am i gonna pull off bboying i suck....)

Thursday Traditional 330-500 I haven't even started choreo for the guys dance yet.......

Friday Swords from 400ish to whenever

Saturday Lions @ 7-10? --> Frere's house @ 11 --> Santa Rosa till 11PM/12AM

Sunday Dress Rehearsal 10-4pm i hope it's not pointless costume changing again...

Monday Rough Draft of 5 paragraph essay due...

sigh this will the last complaint about this matter ><

There's no time for hw...

I'm gonna effing die.................................
T_________________________T

more Lawlings

teaforvictoria (6:08:24 PM): I think I just gave a fee water bottle to a homeless black guy

from rice to pho (6:09:46 PM): that's messed up

from rice to pho (6:09:46 PM): yo

from rice to pho (6:09:49 PM): xDDD

hahaha

no worries she meant free hahahahaha

LAWL

Quotes from Anthony

"Hurry up and drive me!
That way you can look cooler than me while I try to holla at random girls."

"Edbert is gonna be my wingman in the future.
He needs to practice now. JK"

LAWLLL

stuffs

I've been thinking lately about if somethings in my life were are really worth it.

I've also seen myself as a hypocrite...I've been telling people oh when talking to your parent don't use an offensive voice/out door voice... and omg I've just about had with both my parents more of my mom though I've just been getting sooo fcking irritated with her/him

like i just had an argument about the fcking enrollment in behind the wheel driving and i found fucking hard not to get fcking pissed... it was just arrrrrrrrrrrgh.

I don't think I'm ever going to say anything this stupid hypocrite... I know where i get it from too..
my mom she fcking tells everyone not to fcking have small talk or uncessary talk and she goes of and is fckin gossiping on the phone >.> wtf... she's all to my dad like oh you're always sitting at home doing nothing but sitting at the comp and talking on the phone.......well why don't you fcking look in the mirror to you stupid fck....

sigh*

gotta wait a little more my permit test.........

and omg I'm just stressing too much

as;oghoaupfshgapsuhgudsfjasdp

I've also been pondering about van nghe lately..

isnt it suppose to enrich us in our Viet Heritage?

I mean sure we have all the drumming and dancing but dude seriously the only thing that's even close to Viet culture is the drumming and plus i don't even know if its that even cultural..

maybe true drumming in Vietnam requires a certain rythym or something not just something anyone just puts together

Another thing, Van Nghe is just doing the same effing shit over and over

I guess after some realization, Van Nghe as a whole has no more energy

nothings new except maybe a little more focus on lion dancing, swords, and drum L other than that there's nothing new I've always pushed away from the truth...

the truth is that I feel that Van nghe isnt what it used to be.

I thought I would never be tired of van nghe but now grow weary of it...

the only reason why i actaully choose to show is just to see all those wonderful faces... okay maybe not all so wonderful but close xDDD

I mean seriously we have like the same story line if we even have one anymore every freaking show

doing the same stuff over and over gets boring and no one's really into anymore

i actaully see Van nghe dying so sad to say it but its sorta true i mean why can't we have great skits like the ones frere? made remember when we had those "history/story" time with frere? good times

If we say we're carrying on frere's legacy, we're not doing a very good job.

Ultimately... Leaders of Van Nghe step up your game the people of Van nghe go to Van nghe because for the most i bleieve that they want to (most) so come on at least make our efforts worth it

then again this is just my opinion its not just on the leads either its a group as a whole.

I also believe that our sense of family is shattered i mean seriously we're supposed to be welcoming and have a strong bond with one of another as a whole group I think that's bullshit cause its just not there anymore idividually i think we're aite some of us great

however everyone sees it the cliques i mean from personal experience for a guy like me that's self conscious about certain its intimidating to walk with a friend alone just to talk about stuff with out fcking rumors start up... seriously what has van nghe come to?

I erno... maybe it's time for me personally to withdraw from van nghe....


or on the other hand try to step myself up and strive for the level the I want Van nghe to be...

VSU

hrrm...

Traditional - 300 Violin Orchestra

if i get to making a hip hop choreo...-Wipe that sweat :D thanks KEvin ^__^

April in October

apparently I'm:

Active and dynamic<--------ehh Decisive and haste but tends to regret<---------more like indecsive Attractive and affectionate to oneself <--------------- so conceited >.>
Strong mentality<---------- really now? Loves attention<----------- really? Diplomatic<---- I hate politics Consoling<---------- no idea what that means Friendly and solves people's problems Brave and fearless<--------- BS Adventurous<--------- only in video games Loving and caring<--------i guess Suave and generous<-------------- I'm very cheap >.>
Emotional<---- yea a bit i think maybe too much O_O
Aggressive<---------only in basketball? ... I rather not say haha
Hasty<---- eh
Good memory<---- meh
Moving<---- who isn't?
Motivate oneself and the others<--------apparently o.o?
Sickness usually of the head and chest <-----------not really

which ones do you think? ._.

ok yea sorry

I take the last blog back... i just didn't becasue i was angry yea ok yea sorry.

I fcking Swear

I'm about ready to fcking take off my mom's fcking face like Optimus Prime took off the Fallen's face

I fcking swear I've had just about had it with my mom... i fcking swear...


somebody better come over and save her fcking ass before i'm fcking through with her....

okay not really sorry just mad... okay not even mad.. I'm FCKING PISSED OFF AT THE MOTHER FUCKING NIGGA ASS BITCH FACE ASSWIPE PIECE OF FCKING SHIT..........

okay yea i think I'm done.................

school

is *F WORD*-ing stressful!

why?! wtf..............................................................................................................................

ds;ofhasdougadhgfdihuhdhkajsdf;asdjfklsajdfod;hguofdhjkdshghsa;hfs;dhfsoahfudsahfasdhflsdh
dsfjasdfsoadhfosaphdioahfdioas;hfoishfiasdjfas;ijdf;iasjdis;oahgdofhasughudishfuiasdhfiahdfoiuas
hodshfpsuoadouaisfhuhfpsadhfpsahfpuhasdfhasudiofashdfhasdoufhdsguohhghfgasdshfahdsfhpasd

life. Happiness

I don't get it

Catalina

Zomg super fun :]

hell intense man haha

26 hour hike bwhaha

and man Thang man he's fcking beast/savage freaking bare foot like half the way shhiet man O_O

funny thing too that he's a good ass fisher man but ironically he can't swim or eat fish... so good game hahah he caught like hella sting rays, bably leporad sharks, a red snapper and this fish that glows in the dark O_O he's an awesome guy haha.

the hike was freaking intese up hill and death falls like where seriously if you fell you died but it was amazing fun when with frere and in the company of friends there's pretty much no such thing as fear haha

Kayaking was fun too freakin someone let the ball flow out to sea and i could get in time so Thien and I got into a Kayak and went to go get the ball I also lost my flip flop in the process but like I found it floating out at sea when retrieving the ball omg so lucky xDDD when I got back to shore everyone was like Edbert should race Hai Chu to get the ball again frakin Phat man his idea he freakin grabbed teh ball and tossed it into the ocean again but I won agaisnt Hai Chu I bet you he let me win x]

uber fun tried staying awake for the last night sleeping outside to see shoot stars I saw 2-3 but like i barely glimpsed them before they disappeared so I guess I can't boast about anything to Crystal >.> cause she saw like 7 the other time during the "meteor shower" that was epic fail.

but at least I saw shooting stars.

and omg DUDE you know what I did see? I saw DOLPHINS like 20-30 of them on the last day when we were on the boat ride they were swimming under the boat in the front and like they were jumping and "playing" with us it was an AMAZING sight like they were all speeding under the boat it was just like amazing :]

and omg the car ride hoem freaking Thay Duy scared me while telling ghost stories and shit cry* but yea overall it was amazingly fun :]

Can't wait for Van Nghe this SUNDAY! :]

Colors Color Colors

I kinda just picked my favorite color from greatest to least x]

but its pretty accurate

---

Name: Edbert
Date: 8/6/2009
Colorgenics Number: 17432065

---

At this time you are feeling 'uptight' and you are urgently in need of rest and relaxation; but perhaps even more than that you need to overcome that feeling that you have been 'hard done by' and treated with a complete lack of consideration. Maybe you have, but whatever may have been the cause of your inherent anxiety, you regard the situation as intolerable. Your are, however, sufficiently competent to turn that situation around - you have overcome similar problems in the past, and really this one isn't too different.

Of late, everything seems to be going so slowly - far slower than you anticipated - and this is causing you much anxiety and frustration. It would appear that there is little you can do about the series of events that now seem to be taking place. In spite of the fact that you feel like 'giving up' - don't. Take a deep breath and start over again and you will find that eventually the expression 'All's well that ends well' will have an extra special meaning for you.

You lack confidence and that is a great pity because deep down you are indeed a warm caring person. This lack of confidence is making you wary of being drawn into any open discussion or conflict and so you feel as if you should let matters lie and leave well alone. But there may be a pleasant surprise in store for you. You are beginning to grow and very soon - sooner than you believed possible - this warm loving new you will be available for all to see and to appreciate.

For whatever the reason, you find it extremely difficult to sustain relationships - that is to sustain them in the manner that you would wish. You are a very gentle sort of person, full of feeling, sensitivity and susceptible to love and affection, looking and longing for a partner with whom you can enjoy 'All things bright and beautiful' - someone with whom you can seek out the more esoteric things of life. But up to now this person has only existed in your imagination. You are very choosy, appreciative, refined and extremely artistic in temperament and it is your hope to seek others who will allow you to form and express your own taste and judgement and who at the same time may assist you in your intellectual or artistic growth.

You are inclined to be too trusting and you feel that you need to be on your guard against the possibility that your endeavours and actions may be misunderstood. Too often you have been taken advantage of and you have been mentally abused. Now you are seeking a relationship which can provide peace of mind, where you can be yourself and not have the need to put on a false front.

new blog? (2)

who said it was tumblr?

LAWLz

new blog?

what are thethreeLs?

Live laugh love

that's way to go

but I cannot show you the way... even though I suck at helping people ><

but you must find your own way :]

LAWLz What's going on yo?!

I erno but something makes tonight feel GREAT!

Having my cousins and their two kids over for dinner.

I usually dread the kids not really but a little but w/e

I was just sitting and eating and all of sudden I believe i started a convo

about food because my cousin my HELLLZUH GOOOOD CLAM CHOWDER and CEAZAR SALAD!

And like like I actually held a convo with my cousin AND MOM <---- ZOMG ZOMG

and and and we were hella laughing!!!!!!!!! zomg it was like wowowowowowow it was a good time haha :]

ZOMG I HAVENT EATEN SALAD LIKE I DID TONIGHT WTFX RIGHT?! xD

I'm feel bubbly BWHAHAHAHAHA...

Maybe its cause I'm not studying Alg 2 as well I gave up its not really worth it because all I wanted to do was feel smart in the eyes of my friends that's the only reason why I wanted to skip Alg 2 so not worth it yo STRESS FREE!!!! I just need to go hella bomb that test monday now and I'm good yo! xDDDD

kk i think i'm done :P

I think I'm going to blog more like once everyday like journaling basically on the happy times or just about my day :]

How about something not depressing =D

Well being in charge of 7 pm Saturday Mass at St Patrick's is quite fun now or was today

We had a whole bunch of new members come into today it was omg it's a miracle haha

and best of all they were mostly girls like seriously every week only boys were helping out it was like zomg wtfx x] so yea today was inspiring/exciting to have so many new members :DDDDDD

How a Child Learns

If a child lives with criticism – He learns to condemn

If a child lives with hostility – He learns to fight

If a child lives with ridicule – He learns to be shy

If a child lives with shame – He learns to be guilty

If a child lives with tolerance – He learns to be patient

If a child lives with encouragement – He learns confidence

If a child lives with praise – He learns to appreciate

If a child lives with fairness – He learns justice

If a child lives with security – He learns to have faith

If a child lives with approval – He learns to like himself

If a child lives with acceptance and friendship,

He learns to find love in the world.

Anger. Hatred. Grudges. Fights. Shadyness. Dishonesty.

Is that what my family has come to?

So I just got my computer fixed yesterday yay...

And my mom all of sudden is hella pissed off to day because of this program my half-sister's husband installed on my computer if you want to know just ask about it. Forget what its called.

Anyways I also got $100 from my aunt on my dad's side. My mom just started ranting on me about how shady, dirty, with all those nice Viet swear words my dad's side was. And its a lot of anger and i was like okay that's not very good in my head... then she pushes the surprise button......

She said taht she's honestly really not happy being with my dad because he's a dumbass and has done stupid things. She said the only reason why she's staying with him is because of Justin and Alex you know she doesn't want them to live in a broken family...HAr....har.......

As for me, my aunt that gave the $100 might be coming over next week... what a pleasant surprise............................. I mean I don't mind that

but like with all the shit that's going on now... not the best choice.

My mom said she's the worst of them all..

So yea after ranting about how evil and dirty they all were..

My mom said: you're old enough now..
you know what's right/wrong follow my path some thing like that or do the right choice and listen to your mother or something...

but then she said if you dont... and you follow your bastard of a dad.. from that point onward, the moment you follow your dad.. I will cease to acknowledge your existence in my life... and you will never call me mother again.

cry cry cry

way to put me in the middle.....

I need to get out of the house please just pick me up and drop me off somewhere.
somewhere away from this fucking hell hole...

Fuck me >.>

So yea for those who know about the letter I wrote to my mom...

She found it and read it to day GOOD FUCKING GAME >.>


She asked me what it was she told me she skimmed it

Shes i'm pretty sure pissed

When she asked what it was I said uhh that was from along time ago and umm dont worry about it... UHH OMG FUCKING GOOD GAME sigh*

I was so proud of myself and everyone was like yea go Edbert! and i thought i changed something for the better but i guess not...cry...

A letter to mom

Dear Mom,
When you read this please be understanding and compassionate. This letter is not meant to provoke anger.
Today on June 24, 2009, your three sons for the first time, cried because of the same reason: you. I came into the study room and saw Justin and Alex crying. I found out that they were crying because you said that you were going to leave. Apparently forever, I assumed that that you said that you were going to leave and not take them with you because they were crying, I don’t know I’m just assuming maybe you didn’t say that. But I was crying myself because I was wondering to myself how could you say that to Justin and Alex? Justin and Alex are only 9 and 7 years old. They are still very young and hearing you say something like that completely shattered their hearts.
I know that we are not the greatest sons ever but we’re your sons. I know you didn’t ask for children that run around the house and make loud noises or a teenager that argues with you but all this is just a part of growing up. As of now I am on my hands and knees begging you to open your ears and hear me out. After WYD, I realized that family was very important and what I wanted were strong bonds between our current family members. I’ve been changing and am willing to change further to make those bonds. Now let me ask you. Are you willing to change for the betterment of the family?
I know the family’s situation right now. We have no money. I know I’m going because I honestly don’t want to bother you at home. You say that I’m on the computer to much but look at these past few days. Have I’ve been home at all? Not really.
Look at your own ways. All you ever do is nag at everyone in the family. I mean of course it’s your job as a mom but you over nag. You nag at everything. Your mind set is so negative. You tell everyone that we’re going to be living on the streets.
I know that you care a lot for this family. Without you we wouldn’t have made it this far.
What I want is to keep our family together but the way I see it, the only way to keep this family together is if you change. I’m not blaming everything on you. Do you not see that what you and dad do ultimately affects us, the children? You didn’t ask for a husband who messes up in his business. But look at how he has sacrificed. I mean sure you were right he shouldn’t have quit Stanford you are correct in many things but not EVERYTHING.
The only way that anything is going to be resolved in this broken family is that if you TALK to him. Do you think saying oh I don’t want to talk to you is going to fix anything? NO IT IS NOT! When you talk to people, lower your voice please. Whenever you’re talking to dad you never let him talk you talk over him and you do the exact same thing to me. Again mom you are human you are not always right. Whenever you talk about touchy subjects calm yourself try not to yell and listen. Listening is a key point in a relationship.
Dad really loves you so much. I love you so much. And Justin and Alex love you so much.
I know that you have lots of stress but please don’t let that stress get to you. I know it’s hard not to the family doesn’t have any money, both parents don’t have a job etc. But we have each other. In times like these aren’t families supposed to try to stick together instead of breaking apart?
You are one of the many reasons that these family is still together without even one of the five people in this family though, this family will surely fall.
That’s all I have to say right now but just know that you are important to everyone is this family we just need to figure things out TOGETHER.

Irritated has moved to fucking pissed!

Right now in my mind,
I'm secretly saying to my mom,

FUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCH
FUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCH
FUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCH
FUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCH
FUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCH
FUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCH
FUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCH
FUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCH
FUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCH
FUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCH
FUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCH
FUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCH
FUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCH

okay yea... I'l regret this later on but as of now FUCKYOUBITCH (Mom)

I''m willing/been changing for the betterment of the family.

I never asked you to scold at me
I never asked you to nag at me
I never asked you to fucking make my life miserable
I never asked for any of that

is your bullshit excuse oh because "I love you" I'm done with that as of now at the moment
deep down I know you love me but you know, if you do love me you have crazy ass ways of showing it.

Your pessimistic views affect the family so bad but you don't see it because you are blinded by your fucking ego okay so what if dad makes hella mistakes okay well GOD DAMN let it go try to fix it.

You say i go out too fucking okay well you know why cause every fucking thing i do makes you fucking unhappy.

I go out so that YOU can get away from ME.

okay so what if my room is messy to you to my standards its clean.

but you know what?! you NEVER GO into my room

you're either doing laundry or doing dishes or sitting on your FUCKING ASS ON THE COMPUTER ALL DAY looking for a job. IRONIC ISN'T IT?!

if you're not doing any of those you're at church every single day. Hey doesn't use gas? doesn't gas cost money? Oh well sigh* its church you're going for God or so you believe.

Well I wouldn't mind if you actually were going for God.

Okay you go to church at least 5 days a week but you know what you listen to the stuff in church that's a good thing right?

Well you know what? You're effort is meaningless! you know why?! cause you fail to LIVE it out.
For Pete's sake you tell my brothers, a 9 and 7 yr old, "we're going to be living on the streets" WHAT KIND MOM DOES THAT!?

Don't take your stress out on other people if you want to vent then vent about what's bothering you and don't fucking criticize everything you see omg seriosuly.

I just don't know what to say anymore.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tonight was the night I got sick and tired of my mom getting butt hurt,upset,pissed w/e

and blew up.

And so the shunning begins.

Well big stuff like this happens she shuns me.

Except she took it to another level with me i guess

since i have a bunk bed I share the room with Justin my 9 yr brother.

Mr brother came into my room and said "Mom told me to sleep in her room"

sigh* times like these I wonder where God is I know that he's always there but... sigh*

Faith in God for me is hard.

Thinking about it I'm a bad Catholic really.

I go to church twice a week.

7pm Sat at SP to set up and then I pretty much talk in the sacristine <-- erno how to spell that
830pm Sun at SP for friends basically

I have faith for the wrong reasons sigh*

As of now my vision for the purpose of mass is corrupted.

someone save me from all this misery...

can't wait for:

Swords Practice: Thursday
Flock Camping: Friday-Sunday
VYC3: July 2-5
Jamboree: July 11

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years."

I guess there's some hope in me just really hard to find. sigh*

Irritated

more than usual.

I'm starting to raise my voice agaisnt my mom again sigh*

Maybe i wouldn't if she wasn't fucking nagging me and trying to shut down everyone all the time damn bitch >.> I really don't mean that... nope yea I do as of now. I'm about ready to show her my backhand.....................................

Okay so I was out late 930 yesterday but with my dad and just a few minutes ago 910ish PM she's stormed in and sternly/angrily said what are you doing or you doing on your dad's computer.

so since she was pissed off I got pissed because I'm tired of her fucking petty peeves. So i said sternly back almost yelling but luckily held my tongue sorta...

I sternly said back I'm just emailing the guy that fixed my computer asking him wahts up cause its still crashing (Guy is my half-brother in law) mom hates their guts (my half sisters)

and she goes on about how my dad raised me wrong or in h is way okay i was in my head aw hell no.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She just stormed back in saying

oh you always sit on the computer I was out for hours these past days.

oh house isn't clean

you always sit thining we have money for internet

i'm going to cancel internet

she'll proably do taht

cause she's piised at my dad sigh*

fuck this is happening fast to much to explain i'm going to take a walk

Interesting

So today I sorta ushered my dad into a conversation about my half sisters.

Well cause my computer broke and so we were on our way to pick it up and like he started talking mentioning their names. And so i decided to just ask oh what happened and stuff.

It was a confusing story because he was hiding some stuff I guess I'm not old enough yet haha

but anyways apparently my mom didn't like them. As everyone knows, my mom is a very hateful person at times sigh*

but you know I came to visit today the older one I think don't remember. But it was one of them.
Her husband told me what to install into my dads computer for his leisure projects involving power point and what not and he said my comp was all fixed he's really good at programming according to my dad.

It was good seeing at least one of half sisters and my half brother in law? ... yea haha it was
havent seen them in probably more than 5 years or actaully talked to them but yea it was cool

so after like a week and a half of waiting for my computer, I just got home right now plugged it in, and it's still crashing... fml. haha but its not that bad really having a broken computer got me out more i guess and I'm not on as much haha oh wells I feel happy for i erno I just do erno why

maybe it was cause I was laughing with Duy, Chanda, Shirley, and Anh Troung <--- Can't spell viet x] so much i swear not stuff laughing for at least a good 5 minutes. What were we laughing at? Me laughing xDDD

Errr... Schedule

I err really need help with alg 2 but can't afford a tutor so if you can help give me a call or email me plox

Friday- SC library to study?
Saturday
530PM- Mass at SP -> Set Up -> dinner with GL leads
Sunday
900AM-VN practice

June 22-28
June 24 pick up Pre PSAT scores
June 22-25-Libary again
June 26-27 YM camping
June 28- Dress Reheresel

After june 28 its basically a free schedule hopefully I can start FEDs again I need to have a serious talk with my mom

Umm

July 2-5 VYC III

July 4-14 - Favorite cousin or cousins coming over from Houston

July 11 Jamboree

July 27 Alg 2 Proficiency test fml.

thanks

umm dont read this blog please i mean if you do dont worry about this. this was awhile go but yea thanks just dont say anything ;]
[18:35] D 4ngie: Okay, so I have to apologize for always being busy lately when you IM me. Bang* HEADSHOT. But really, I never got to ask what was up that day and I read your blog. I'm so sorry you feel that way, but you must know that you're not useless. And I know you're probably thinking, well, yeah, of course you're going to say that. Everybody's going to.
[18:35] D 4ngie: But for reals, you're not. And you need to freaking believe me. You know why? Cause I freaking said so.
[18:35] D 4ngie: So you're probably going to be like, okay fine. Why am I not useless?
[18:38] D 4ngie: Edbert dear, all those things you listed that you "failed" you have not. Everything you say, there is a purpose to it. Your "attempts" will come through. Because they're all attempts to try to lighten the mood, make someone feel better, betterfy a situation, or just have a great time. And honestly, I don't think it's ever a failed attempt if you choose to try to make something better.
[18:40] D 4ngie: Take me for example. When we talk, you already know we both laugh like there's no tomorrow. I mean, who the hell actually touches the screen when they type *touches the screen*. Apparently we do x] We have our "verbal" my den fights all the freaking time, and I honestly still think that you're blacker than you think you are I like that, even though it feels like your family's always arguing and fighting, I like that you always want to make it better
[18:41] D 4ngie: I like that you always want to do something about it, even though it doesn't work out in the end and thigns just come back to normal. Edbert, there's no way things can be better just like that, it takes time. And even though it may even be a helluva long time before it actually happens, just know that it will, as long as you're willing to stand through it all, and I know you are.
[18:42] D 4ngie: You're not living a lie. You're just going through a tough time, and really, who doesn't? We're all human. Hang in there buddy And please, don't hesitate to call out of the blue and wake me up from my sleep Give me a call at 3am just to talk, and I'll be up within the next half hour of the phone call x] I really do enjoy talking to you dear, and I hope that you somehow come to the end of this "tunnel of depression". You'll be fine(: Lean on me.

A bit of Inspiration

Okay so I guess I've been down lately. I think that not motivational thing about summer is kicking in. Big time. Can't blame anyone but myself I guess. Not the greatest son a parent or parents could ask for *sigh*

But talking to a certain someone made me feel a bit better today.

She asked what did I want to be when I grow up?

I answered oh a doctor but ultimately a good cook

You know what she wanted to be?

Happy.

Looking back... all I seem to do is dwell on the pessimistic view of life.

That's all I ever end up thinking up at night for the past few nights.

I want to go lay in the grass look up and be carefree like I was back then.

Useless

This feeling is such a crappy feeling.

I guess there's no running from the truth. All I do is stay up late, sleep in, play games, clean up here and there, and sit around on a computer or I did sit around on a computer. My computer has crashed so I've been using my dad's but I've been on less.

I really should be doing independent study of Alg 2 the proficiency test on July 27. I have to keep an organized portfolio of my work and I'm like on chapter one I feel like i'm not going to make it which I probably won't. Man my life is such bullshit.

All I do is say something and then don't do it. Oh I'm going to help my mom more. doesn't happen.
Oh I'm going to talk to this person more. doesn't happen. Oh I'm going to study more. doesn't happen. Oh I'm going to go find a job doesn't happen. Oh I'm going to move on from the past. IT DOESN'T FUCKING HAPPEN

FUCK, I'm just a fucking lazy ass.

All I do get yelled at by mom constantly for the stupidest things but it's like fuck I"m just blaming it on my myself why can't I be a better son why? why are my parents angry at each why can't be even more nicer to my brothers {I don't think I'm nice at all I've lighten up a little maybe...} just fck it all I can't even give good advice.

When a friend is telling me a problem, all I can ever do is sit there and read, nod, say mm I see. I feel so useless when I can't say anything because I haven't gone through that situation yet or I just can't think of things on the spot all i can say is the obvious oh you just talk to them omfg just I'm frustrated with myself.

I can't do anything right...

I feel that everything I say is useless...
an attempt to be funny fail
an attempt to verbally defen myself or others fail
an attempt to help my family stay together fail
an attempt to... the list goes on i can't bear it any longer

I feel that I'm living a lie. I am lying to myself. I am lying to others.

I try to be what I am not. at least i think so.

Maybe I over analyze things. Sometimes when I say or act upon something such as a situation or w/e I feel like I'm putting on a show. I want to believe so much that it hurts that that is truely who am but i always have dobut that that's not me. But I want that to be me. I wan it so bad. yet I am so self conscience. w/e i'm done with this.

3 Words the make my day

Funny. I'm talking about this as if this was a moment so dear to me.

Yesterday after some basketball with Matt, Andrew, and Andy, Matt's mom took the car and we were like oh shit because I had to be home before 9 but wouldn't because Matt's mom took the car but then I decided to just call my dad and pick me up cause you know I'm just tired of my mom nagging at me it's time to make better decisions. So anyways my dad picks me up and Matt's mom called my mom to explain stuff and apparently I could've stayed at Matt's for another hour or so depending on how long it his mom to get the car back but by that time I had already called my dad.

So in the car with my dad, he tells me to call up my mom and tell oh what does she and little bros want to eat so I call her up and I'm like "Hey mom, dad asks what do you guys want to eat?" by that time it was liek 830 so my mom is like "oh we're good. Already getting ready for bed" So I was like oh okay then she says oh i thought you were going to be at Matt's for another hour and I just said oh "You wanted me home before 9 so i just called dad"

Then she said: What a good boy. I LOVE YOU.
(the good boy part makes me sound like a bitch fml.)

But you know after I heard "I love you" I blocked everything out. In my head, damn my mom hasn't said those words in hella long to me or as a fact to any one of my brothers or my dad. I was in shock. Maybe I'm deprived of things? Kinda sad.

It was nice hearing those words even though I'm sooo old now haha. (sixteen =D)

But still actions speak louder than words. I've always complained about my mom and had angst towards her but I guess it's just because I let my wants get the best of me.

It's just oh I want to be more independent but seh doesn't want to let go and I guess I've proven to her that I'm ready to be let go of yet.

But truly deep inside, I want to hang on forever I don't want to let go of my mom and dad. I seriously don't. They're the best and damn it's taken me this long to realize that they're truly the greatest people in the world. And I haven't gotten to know them well enough.

It's sad T-T in reality though, the road is coming to an end. or it's drawing near. I don't know what to do to get to know my parents better, they're always busy I'm not the one to talk a lot around my parents.

My want is to get to know them better so that when they have passed I can say I had a good relationship with them. hopefully i'm not jinxing them I'm sure they have a long while a good 20-30 more years even more =]

to all you younglings out there don't jundge your parents love them to the fullest.

Mr. Hegarty

8th grade Language arts and Social Studies teacher. Not only was he a teacher but he was a coach and a friend. Never did try my best in his class honestly... I really regret it now because he's gone and the time has past. Dr. Brian Hegarty passed away June 1, 2009. He was honestly a really good teacher. Looking back, from my current academic life, he was very close to the students. In high school your teachers don't make the effort to get to know you. You make the effort to get to know your teachers. Seeing as he made the effort, he did a great thing. He always seemed liked the optimistic type even though he was "mean" at times. okay Let's get real not even mean just cause we the students viewed him as mean because he sometimes blew up i guess? at the students.
But hey look back, why'd he blow up? cause we were freakin' loud as **** and we hella disrespected him and other teachers can't blame him. Anyways we was a great guy wished I could've gotten to know him better...wow my big loss. Well at least I got to know him.

Mr. Hegarty rest in peace.

-Edbert class of '07

Accepting

sigh* I can only fight so many things in life.

It's time for me to learn how to accept things and just move on.

Let's Have a ROUGH Time?!

Who the fuck would want that?

Well at the moment parents are having a rough time. Mom and Dad just went for a ride so apparently my dad could make some money for fixing something. And I guess my dad was like hell no because he's sick or has back problems? and backed out but my mom kept pushing him to do it so like they came home dad went outside into the backyard that' when he's trying to relax or get his mind off it or reflecting to himself. While my mom came into the study cause that's where her stuff (laptop, books, etc) grabbed it and while collecting her materials she talked to me about how my dad is a cho ma, khon nang, and other stuff and just like how she was trying to help but like he spat in her face (not literally). I erno it's like several years ago there was a promise. A promise where my dad said okay he'll work so my mom can study and then my mom will do the same after she has had her fill of education and like they were both working at the time so uhh w/e the promise such a bucnh of bullshit. Life doesn't work like that.

up till now my mom has been laid off since 2001 looking for a job while my dad has been working his fucking ass off. My mom has been working her ass off at home too but her looking for a job and house work. The family is going through a hard time a very rough and hard time.

My dad is getting old and is retired. But we can't get his retirement funds or w/e because of the economic recession or w/e or like the reiterment plan that we have currently won't allow a large money withdrawl. In reality his retirement fund isn't enough. Up to my knowledge, we are legitamitely going bankrupt.

Back to today, she after collectign her stuff she stormed off to go to the library to study to get her mind off things. I see it runs in the family now all we ever do is run away from our problems. Anyways right before she left, she said that she show the fucker (Dad[didn't say fucker, soemthing in vietnamese taht's equally bad maybe worse]) and she said to me soemthing about a divorce. That shook me a little.

"I hate how everything the parents do affect the kids and ultimately the kids can't do jack."

I thought to myself long ago that oh if she said divorce ever again I wouldn't believe it. When I was I was little there were one too many bluffs. Now that I'm older I can actaully see it happening. During these times of hardship/economic recession shouldn't families be striving to keep ir real and toghether?

I was talking Frere Phong the other day and he said something along the lines of: Parents out of love aruge with each other. During these times they argue because for example they see the the possiblility that the children will starve or w/e and that brings stress and tension and all hell breaks loose.

And when my left I thought about her words and started letting the tears flow a bit and then after awhile my eyes were read ya know and my dad came in fuck. He asked why I was crying, I told him I just had itchy eyes apparently in both eyes. He then asked did my mom say anything I shook my head in reply. Then he left to costco.

The feeling of hopelessness sucks. Can't do shit. Afraid to go out of your own comfort zone. I am so selfish... fuck why am i selfish.......just damn it all.

But after talking with with a person that has already gone through this, I saw that this is not as bad as he had it. So I really shoudldn't be complaining. I mean it was the same situation but I can see that the level of difficulty is outstandingly different. He gave advice it was good I thank him so much for that. I also thank the other guy for listening well both them for listening.

sigh*

Help Me

I'm bored at home haha.

reflection 3

Wouldn't the world be a better place if everyone would be able to forgive one another? I bet you it would. Right now I feel content with my life even though so much shit is going on with my family. I think I blog about my mom too much. So far I've made both my parents cry or on the verge of tears.

I made my dad cry because one day on the way to van nghe, I said "You know what? I don't think I would know what to do if both you died right now." And like it went into a deep conversation and bother father and son cried.

My mom was on the verge of tears on Saturday. It was after church and I decided to talk about her issues with both sides of the family. I tried to tell that she was always forgetting and not forgiving.

I mean like it was a very serious incident between her own family like her nieces were complete bitches. They made my mom's life hell and sigh* don't even get me started. Anyways it been several (4+) years since the incident and it's like damn you still holding that? geez like let things go. I said "Mom, I see you stressed out all the time try to relieve that stress by forgiving and releasing that anger" that's when I guess she truly saw that I cared. But you know I take both her and my dad for granted a lot even though I try so hard or not hard enough not to take tehm for granted but it happens.

But I really care for them but I don't know how to show it. I mean it's so hard for my mom to release things you know? And when people try to giver her advice, if it's similar to HER way she'll throw it back in their face. She always assumes that she is right and she is most of the time but like she's like it's my way or the highway. She truly is an independent woman but like you don't have to everything yourself. I see her refelctiion in myself. The way how she holds things in is exactly the way I do. Unfortunately, not to be mean or anything she only has a few good friends. I know of 3. sasd I know. And like tehy rarely hang out. I mean they still do but it's like mom relax more. My mom's mindset is pretty materailsitic but it's all for teh family if that makes sense. like what I mean is like "Oh I want money so my kids don't starve." She's the greatest mom ever I mean really, the only bad part is that she has a temper and that she is extremely stubborn, egotistic, and unreasonable. I mean like she says to the the kids that oh you want everything or w/e like for example, i'm in activites right like not too many either and she's like you're always in two many activities we don't have any money to pay for food and you want to "di choi" (go out). And it may not be an exergeration it may not but like that's why you can't go out and such and other things. Antoher thing that is bad about her is that she tends not to be a very forgiving person. She holds deep deep grudges. very unhealthy. other than she's a great mom haha yea typical i know aside from not letting you go out and etc great mom.

But really without her, I would not be the person I am today, I would not have met the great friends I have till this very day.

Friends are just the greatest thing in the world you know?
[I am not being biased just giving examples]
I mean like you can go cry to them if you need (Matt). And like you can also go to them for advice on things (Duy). Another thing you can do is share your thoughts on things about past experiences (Victoria). Additionally, they are there for you just to talk about i erno (Shirley).
one other thing is that they can make your day better than it is (Angela). Friends also make you laugh and have a good time (Anthony).

Again not being biased or anything.

What's most important is that all the things above correlate into one thing. Which is making life better. Childhood friends are always great (Minh, Matt, Michael, etc) there's always that specail bond that's like indestructable. All my friends, you are part of the essencse of my life that allows me to live on, to endure whatever comes my way thank you so much.

Day 2

Fuck...just fuck..

many "deaths" today... and many injured.. just fuck

unexpected attack shit... just shit

the Biology and Spanish decided to make an alliance fuck just eff.

...severely wounded...

lol but yea.................... so screwed... biology and spanish just killed and dominated.

Day 1

The War has begun.

The first day of the War May 18, 2009.
It was an easy first day seeing that it was the second time.
Easy not many "died."
The English battle was not too bad. Took out 50 scantron questions in 15 minutes.
but then the essay reinforcement came. Had casualties there.

Time to move on.

Letting Go

There's a time and place for everything. A time for laughter, a time for tears, a time for stress, a time for love, a time to speak, a time to listen, and a time to let go. Something I'm most definitely am absolutely horrible at doing. I'm not a person to hold grudges for a long period of time but I still have grudges here and there but lasting for the most 5 days. The grudges that I hold usually involve some sort of anger at my mom or people that really just get to me like all the sports players who think they're the shit. Boy would I like showing their fucking face to the wall...anyways let's not let that get to my head. About my mom, I've think I've complained to enough people about her to the point that all she seems like is an angry and mean person. Well now I guess I'm going to contradict myself a bit or try move into mutual state. Even though she can be the bitchiest person ever, I look back and I sorta might see why. For one I don't help her around the house enough. I mean sure I clean up and stuff but like it's like up to my expectation of clean and that obviously isn't up to her expectation. But what fucking pisses me off is that when I do clean my room and it's hella clean... my brothers go and fuck up the damn place and leave it there...I tell them to go clean up but do they listen? hell no until a bring out some anger and then they start but it's still they don't do shit so *sigh nothing gets done. Anyways, my mom is probably bitchy because from what I hear, he's been doing stupid things with his business financially but I don't know anything else. They need to understand each other more. Dad's gotta stop acting on his own a little more, mom's gotta stop blowing at every fucking thing he does even though it's serious but like talk calmly for pete's sake. She needs learn how to let go of her anger. I can see it and hear it. She's going through massive amounts of stress and at the same going through family difficulties. One thing we both have in common is having the difficulty of letting things go. But you know let me just say that my mom isn't taht bad of person she just takes it out on me... but like she can be nice at times and crack jokes like "Matt I will kill you if you break the collars of my expensive ao dai's". So yea there's a kindness in her fosho cause without taht where'd I'd be today? I don't know why letting go is such a hard thing to do. Well it is learning experience. Looking back I've held on too many things. Crushes, sadness, and anger. Crushes, well I've got accomstemd to letting go really so that's not big so I should be find.

Sadness and anger is a whole nother issue. The thing I do is that I just keep letting it sink in and sit there. I don't know how to let it go eventually I forget but then it comes back. I want to talk about it but I can't get the words out because the feelings are so much that I don't where to start. But on top that when I forget I just forget what I was angry/sad for but the feeling is still there and it sucks. Letting go is hard. Sometimes I get so frustrated about having all this and trying to let go, the tears flow. This actually help sometimes. but I don't like crying it sucks to cry in times of sadness and pain. The pain is deep I wish that it goes away but it won't go away so readidly. I need to find a way.

A Broken Family

Mom's slamin' things
Dad's apparently doing stupid things
Little ones don't understand what's going on.

As for me...I don't clearly understand the whole picture either.
I try my best to ignore the clashing emotions.
That obviously doesn't help. I'm tired of the fighting. It needs to stop.
the family is falling apart.
Mom and Dad are ignoring each other.
Brothers are in their own world.
And I'm stuck on the computer trying to distract myself from the feelings inside.
I feel so useless, so dumb, so helpless. There's nothing I can do to prevent the clashing of my parents. I am so weak...so scared to speak up to my parents. There's nothing I can do but to let it play out but I know that it's probably not going to end pretty.

I don't know... let's write a letter and leave until the fighting has stop.
That's so foolish.
1) where am I going to go
2) I don't have the ballz to carry it out
3) I'll just cause more problems than I already do :l

Made a wish at 11:11PM even though that probably didn't work...but hey worth a try right?
Then I went outside and looked up at the stars for an hour or so. Thought about each and every person important to me and wondered what I'd do without them. Life's not the same without the ones you love dearly. Life's too short for conflict. Forgive and forget...If it was only that simple.

The feeling I have is that
the only thing I can do is to pick up the the broken shards and fragments of this family and try to glue them back together to be whole again, but even so I'm not good at that. I'm starting to pour my blood and sweat into school now just to try and relieve stress for my parents, I'm too late. I'm fucking 9 years late.

So many regrets have I. It's so hard to let go. Every time I let go I really don't because it comes back to haunt me. I just want to forget it all. I envy families that are regularly happy. I envy that strong bond that they have. I pray every night for my parents. but I have a feeling that I don't pray hard enough or with enough feeling they seem like hollow words.

sigh*

Even.

So here's the deal.
I owed Angela like 5 dollars even though she doesn't remember at we're at Frozo's cause Matt, I, and Francis were practicing for the SCU VSA Fashion Show. Anthony wasn't there yet he was still at Van Nghe bwhaha x]. But anywas so I was like okay I'll pay my debt and buy you frozo's and and everything will be like all good 'ight? x] and obviously she's like No. x] but yea and then she's like fawk or soemthing like that knowing she has a bad mouth lol hahaha yea... I really shouldn;t be talking I have pretty bad one too lol. but anyways "Fawk I forgot my wallet" And I was like sweet I win so WIN! HAHA alright I'm done lolololol ^_____________^ haha

Matt.

Hey Matt.

So the time has come aye? I've known you for approximately for at least from when I was 3 years old till sweet 16. Damn Matt. 14 freakin' years. Well here's how it went down in my eyes Matt.
According to stories told to me by my mom, I was a little bitch/brat that always took your toys and my your life miserable and I guess you could say hell haha. Man those were the days right? Being at Co Mai's house and have our asses handed to us by her... Shit dude she was beast. Haha but she's hella nice when you're all "grown up" yo haha. Remember when she always forced us to eat hella? damn haha. "Good" times fsho' right? haha yea not really lol but hey it was the beginning. Dude to be really honest, I hella followed around cause I looked up to you but back then you were an asshole that didn't see that yet lol :P. Or maybe I just liked your toys lol. Just kidding. And then after a few years, as we grew older we stopped being babysat by Co Mai. I'd say we took a long ass break.

Then shit dude. Time for Van Nghe. First day there I didn't see. Pssh I didn't even know you were part of the group but then next week, guess who showed? haha You fool. And if I remembered correctly, we both were like damn what the fuck? LOL. And I beleive that's part where the real good times started. I mean of course I was still that selffish, annoying, bitch of an eigth grader but hey I was back then probably still am somewhat today. But dude, as time went on, I hella grew on you. I'd say half of my patience came from chilln' with you and the other I got from other experiences. And from then on I guess we just chilled and our lives went on. And then by that time shiiit. "Oh mah gawd I'm a Bellarmine Boy" <------ EFF MY LIFE lol never saying it like that again. And then guess what? OH SHIT HEY MATT! on one brisky morning on the campus of Bellarmine haha. You were probably like fuck my life. lolol x]. And so we started and still are currently going to school together. And we hella chill too. Over these many years. I'd like to say we grew on each other a lot. I'd like to say I've grown more on you more than you on me. All those driving experiences HAHAHA OH MY EFFING GOSH! soooooo bad and all bad haha. and like the "BONFIRES" we had omg dude haha lol man you know me so well you know where the weak spots are. damn Matt make me cry like a baby fuck you. haha Just kidding I actually liked those moments cause like it just helped me release all that sorrow/anger without freaking killing something. Thanks yo.
Dude my keyboard might short circuit fuck Matt haha writing this makes me tear up man and... yea hahaha :P I'm uhh not going to admit that I'm emotional person. Edbert are strong HAHAHA yea right xP. but anyways. These times were hella bomb. I don't think....Let me rephrase that. There is NO ONE that can replace you mang cause that's how it's going down.

But now the time has come where you florish with even further success. It's time for you to go to college and be succesful after that damn I speak like I never going to see ever again... I hope that's not the case. But hey you'll be pretty busy with the college life. Just drop by and say "Hey guys" and you know what we'll say "Hey Matt" lol inside jokes for all you people reading this as well. And also, let's go chill when you and I aren't busy. :P

so yea. My letter to you bro.

-Edbert.

P.S. I'll always remember.

"Fate is what is given to us, Destiny is what we choose for it to become"

something like that right? ^ Bad ass line :P

Parents troubles

So after practice today, "I'm ready for a lecture from my mom now" I said as we walked out to where I was suppose to wait for my mom. So as she arrives and I'm packing up my things, I dread getting into the car. So as we're driving it's quiet except for the radio. So I'm thinking okay maybe she's been thinking or something happend to cause her not to lecture me about not having good grades, or about me going out to "hang out." So I'm like in my head "alright this is cool but then again this is too good to be true." And just as we turn right onto heading she starts up... oh my effing... sigh* w/e. So she rants about how she is always right and how like father like son whenever we don't listen TO HER things go wrong uuhhhhh conceited much? I mean I see your view some what. I mean my dad has a thing in this to. He's a nice, extremely intelligent, faithfilled guy, but like my mom rants sometimes right? like today, she was going on how my dad doesn't know how to do bussiness even though he has his own business irnoic right? It's just that he's a psuhover like me except this can actually make a big impact on his life I guess unlike me where I'm just a pushover just because uhhh haha.... w/e back to the point I mean this has happend before where my mom actually said grow some balls and go collect the money that your clients owe you. And I was like oh shit it is on. but my dad's nice guy mentality is like how am I supposed to collect money when people don't have money see Mom = selfish (depends on what the situation is she's not selfish when it comes to other things) while my dad is selfless but the flaw is that he is I guess foolishly selfless maybe I erno hey look opposites totally attract right? tell me about it... sigh* I mean Dad keep it real, mom calm the fuck down let's compromise? I've tried talking to my mom before. Her mentality is oh forget it everytime I try to your dad thinks he's all that and just gets mad and I guess it's true because a lot, at night I can't sleep I sure I don't have insomnia it's just I reflect and I think about people and things etc. but I hear and feel the emotions in my parents vocies I hear frustration and I sense stress. It frequently comes down to the fact that both must lower their ego and try to work with one another that's sorta what I tell my mom just not directly ... yea I fail I know. but it's just out of fear. but yea the need here is ears. and I don't know what to say anymore it's all too much take it away... let me run away.

To be or Not to be

That is [truly] the question.
Everyone has expectations for others and for themselves. No matter how high or low expectations are expectations. But with expectations comes decisions to make and ultimately the choices we make shape who we are. And one of the choices is to run. To run away from those expectations. We can't help but to have expectations well at least I can't. For me expectations are just there and are usually forced upon me. And sometimes or err usually I run. I retreat back inside myself, blinding myself from seeing what I really need to do. But sometimes I retreat to contemplate in this state of pondering, I seldom come to a conclusion of what to do or what to be. I don't want to be a doctor... sigh* right now my parents or actually my mom is constantly nagging at me oh there's only the chance of getting a job if I major in medical stuffs... Mom! shut the fuck up... I think it's too early for that I mean sure junior is upon me but don't bother me college shit right now I'm not fucking kid anymore... but of course I need your help here and there but just lay off it's time you put your trust in me... maybe I don't deserve it or you feel that I don't but give me a chance...just give me a chance and don't be so quick to judge...sometimes I wish you could be at one Matt's pep talks or life lessons... just..sigh* I know that you try your best understand but you're too hot headed, judgmental, and fucking stubborn as hell...and I'm not just going to bash my mom. My dad is pretty bad too but he's a nice guy...he just sigh* both of them just need work together more and try figure out problems to end and not just give up cause one is frustrated. Laying in bed at night racking my brains, thinking of what I can do is useless because I can never come to a conclusion of what I can besides focus on school cause that's the only thing I can do... but on top of that I just want to say it's about time you put your worries about me into other matters...I'm not saying put all of it somewhere else because that's probably impossible it's a parent second nature thing... sigh* I don't know anymore... help here friends? anything you'd like to say sigh*

What to do? The Fuck if I know.

I guess everyone gets to a point in life where they feel so empty. Like what the hell am I living for? It's just that feeling of emptiness or desperately trying to find that reason for knowing why shouldn't I go blow my brains out. Well I guess I could say I'm at the point in my life where it's sorta like that except I don't think I'm that much of person to go as far as pulling the trigger at least I hope. Being the person to usually fuck things up isn't fun no matter how small I've been ridicule for too long for fucking things up that I let it get to my head even though it's sometimes humorous ridicule if you know what I mean. And fuck I laugh along too yet it still gets to me. I guess it's embarrassment to an extent. Sometimes it feels like every step I take is another mistake. Yes Numb by Linkin Park. But I can only do so much correctly I am only human yet maybe a stupid human...Not even maybe I am a stupid human.

I mean seriously what kind of son causes his mom to call/compare him to a fucking dog. That's just pathetic. Maybe its how I go about doing things and it's not even something big and she fucking buries me in my guilt making me feel bad even though I reason with myself that she lighten up and.. and NO! no excuses...sigh* let's take it and put it away. But yea I don't know myself anymore when did I become such an emo fag >.> I don't know what to do with my life. At this point I could be happy to throw it all away but then my parents/friends would truly be disappointed and fuck here I go again trying to please others but fuck I'm trying to make myself happy by making others happy I guess something like that.

But right now I'm kinda scared. My grades are pretty bad I just need to get the 67 to a 75 in Bio Hons. I have Mr. Wong ---> fml. his grades are weird too a 75 is the lowest B-. But anyways I'm scared of Junior year it's going to be ther hardest year and I haven't gotten myself in check yet what am I going to do? And there's SATs fml. Whatever let's get through this. On top of that I'm afraid of losing my friends some friends don't talk much because I'm just a hella bad converser but some how we get a long but the chance of drifting is still good which is bad sigh* don't go please.

I don't know what to do anymore. There's some things I want but I can only have soooo much but it's not even material wants. Life is so empty. One thing I want most is to see my parents smile with me and the little ones and to even push it, to laugh with just the 5 of us but the past months have been killer taxes, bills, financial problems, and others. Is that too much to ask? just a simple chuckle why can't my family just be that simple family that gets along I mean of course there's no such thing a perfect family but all I'm asking for is a frequently more happy family that's all.

Another thing is I worried about so many other people oh how is he doing, how is she doing? I expect myself to be there for others and rely on me but I can't even be there or rely on myself. Who am I kidding? All I'm doing is making a fool of myself. I can't even keep a conversation going without saying what's up at least 5432432523453 times that phrase fucking pisses me off because I use it so frequently cause I don't know what to say, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!

All I know is that I'm a fool, a damned fool. Doomed to buried deep in his failure and misery. But in attempt to keep some form of optimism, my friends keep me going they bring that warm fuzzy feeling inside and coherently my family does that too I may not feel it as strongly as when I'm among friends but it's there when I chose to recognize it. You all are what I've got along with the higher power and I'm ever so grateful.

True Passion

Today I witnessed true passion. So there's this guy. Duy the the name don't wear it out haha. He's strong biggish fellow. Good character. What's not to love about him? So tonight after an amazing reenactment of the Passion of the Christ, I saw this guy cry just because of a reenactment. While he's crying I'm saying to myself "Fool, suck it up" just kidding. I was more like effing Duy stop it you're going to make cry too but luckily he stopped before I burst into tears haha. Anyways Duy worked hard to make the Passion work out to what it has become. We all did [the cast]. But you know to see tears of gratefulness like that, to see that impact on our director and audience goes to show how much we put into the Passion. That's passion for realz yo. haha f'sho f'sho.

Passion of '09

Something to Remember

Hey remember when we went to Aussie Anthony, Duy, Anh, Shirley, Nhi, and Martin? I can't tell who's next to Anh in the picture so uhh hahah ^-^

To be Drifting

Dear Anglea,
this is what I couldn't get out to when you asked what is wrong but f'sho I will try my very best not to let it happen.

Life is sort of like a river/lakeish. I'd like to say we start in a lake and we start drifting out towards rivers or streams and go along that path/river/stream. And during that ride, there may be some rapids, some crazy ass turns, and a lot of the time there are more than one way in to go in the river. I see the rapids as being the rough points of my life while the crazy turns could be the points in life where I do not which way I want to go or what I want to do in life, and the several ways that I will see is a symbol that there are decisions that we must make. And along this trip of life you will meet friends and you and your friends will form a caravan or something along those lines. But friends come and go. They can what I call drift away without you knowing and before you know it they're gone. I guess that's how I feel about some people right but instead of moving on, I linger. Questioning where are they? or maybe saying to myself I have to find them/him/her again. To be honest I hate when I drift. I hate to say it but maybe sometimes it may be for the better of things but no. I can't accept that. please don't drift away. please acompany along this long journey.

With utmost sincerity,
-Edbert

Say What You Need to Say.

First I'm apologizing for everything. I know and don't know what I did wrong but either way I'm sorry.

I've been thinking lately, do I really smile when I am smiling or am I putting on that fake smile to hide what is really going on inside. Inside there are so many emotions ready to be let loose but I just don't know when. I suppose that's why I try to keep my emotions bottled up. I like to say my life is an open book but I suppose I lied. Maybe it's not to some people. I don't know you tell me. I try to open up but I worry so much about what people will think. I'm a very self-conscience person. I try hard to be comfortable around people but I guess what stops me is that I'm afraid that what I say will be stupid. Coming from Edbert that's most likely to be true. Around certain people I feel very comfortable and can talk about anything while with others, it's hard to figure out what to say because "Oh shit he/she is so cool or smart I don't want to make a fool of myself" And then I end up not talking to that person at all taht's even how I feel with some of my friends but eventually I'll have the guts to go and talk to him/her. At other times I feel like I talk too much and I annoy him/her. That's just the feeling I get sometimes and then due to my paranoia, I ponder for days, what does he/she think about me? What should I do to change so that he/she will like me....*break* I just realized just now at this very moment that is what I am doing. I am trying to hard to please other people instead of being myself. SCORE! Now what do I do about that? O_O?