A Broken Family

Mom's slamin' things
Dad's apparently doing stupid things
Little ones don't understand what's going on.

As for me...I don't clearly understand the whole picture either.
I try my best to ignore the clashing emotions.
That obviously doesn't help. I'm tired of the fighting. It needs to stop.
the family is falling apart.
Mom and Dad are ignoring each other.
Brothers are in their own world.
And I'm stuck on the computer trying to distract myself from the feelings inside.
I feel so useless, so dumb, so helpless. There's nothing I can do to prevent the clashing of my parents. I am so weak...so scared to speak up to my parents. There's nothing I can do but to let it play out but I know that it's probably not going to end pretty.

I don't know... let's write a letter and leave until the fighting has stop.
That's so foolish.
1) where am I going to go
2) I don't have the ballz to carry it out
3) I'll just cause more problems than I already do :l

Made a wish at 11:11PM even though that probably didn't work...but hey worth a try right?
Then I went outside and looked up at the stars for an hour or so. Thought about each and every person important to me and wondered what I'd do without them. Life's not the same without the ones you love dearly. Life's too short for conflict. Forgive and forget...If it was only that simple.

The feeling I have is that
the only thing I can do is to pick up the the broken shards and fragments of this family and try to glue them back together to be whole again, but even so I'm not good at that. I'm starting to pour my blood and sweat into school now just to try and relieve stress for my parents, I'm too late. I'm fucking 9 years late.

So many regrets have I. It's so hard to let go. Every time I let go I really don't because it comes back to haunt me. I just want to forget it all. I envy families that are regularly happy. I envy that strong bond that they have. I pray every night for my parents. but I have a feeling that I don't pray hard enough or with enough feeling they seem like hollow words.

sigh*

Even.

So here's the deal.
I owed Angela like 5 dollars even though she doesn't remember at we're at Frozo's cause Matt, I, and Francis were practicing for the SCU VSA Fashion Show. Anthony wasn't there yet he was still at Van Nghe bwhaha x]. But anywas so I was like okay I'll pay my debt and buy you frozo's and and everything will be like all good 'ight? x] and obviously she's like No. x] but yea and then she's like fawk or soemthing like that knowing she has a bad mouth lol hahaha yea... I really shouldn;t be talking I have pretty bad one too lol. but anyways "Fawk I forgot my wallet" And I was like sweet I win so WIN! HAHA alright I'm done lolololol ^_____________^ haha

Matt.

Hey Matt.

So the time has come aye? I've known you for approximately for at least from when I was 3 years old till sweet 16. Damn Matt. 14 freakin' years. Well here's how it went down in my eyes Matt.
According to stories told to me by my mom, I was a little bitch/brat that always took your toys and my your life miserable and I guess you could say hell haha. Man those were the days right? Being at Co Mai's house and have our asses handed to us by her... Shit dude she was beast. Haha but she's hella nice when you're all "grown up" yo haha. Remember when she always forced us to eat hella? damn haha. "Good" times fsho' right? haha yea not really lol but hey it was the beginning. Dude to be really honest, I hella followed around cause I looked up to you but back then you were an asshole that didn't see that yet lol :P. Or maybe I just liked your toys lol. Just kidding. And then after a few years, as we grew older we stopped being babysat by Co Mai. I'd say we took a long ass break.

Then shit dude. Time for Van Nghe. First day there I didn't see. Pssh I didn't even know you were part of the group but then next week, guess who showed? haha You fool. And if I remembered correctly, we both were like damn what the fuck? LOL. And I beleive that's part where the real good times started. I mean of course I was still that selffish, annoying, bitch of an eigth grader but hey I was back then probably still am somewhat today. But dude, as time went on, I hella grew on you. I'd say half of my patience came from chilln' with you and the other I got from other experiences. And from then on I guess we just chilled and our lives went on. And then by that time shiiit. "Oh mah gawd I'm a Bellarmine Boy" <------ EFF MY LIFE lol never saying it like that again. And then guess what? OH SHIT HEY MATT! on one brisky morning on the campus of Bellarmine haha. You were probably like fuck my life. lolol x]. And so we started and still are currently going to school together. And we hella chill too. Over these many years. I'd like to say we grew on each other a lot. I'd like to say I've grown more on you more than you on me. All those driving experiences HAHAHA OH MY EFFING GOSH! soooooo bad and all bad haha. and like the "BONFIRES" we had omg dude haha lol man you know me so well you know where the weak spots are. damn Matt make me cry like a baby fuck you. haha Just kidding I actually liked those moments cause like it just helped me release all that sorrow/anger without freaking killing something. Thanks yo.
Dude my keyboard might short circuit fuck Matt haha writing this makes me tear up man and... yea hahaha :P I'm uhh not going to admit that I'm emotional person. Edbert are strong HAHAHA yea right xP. but anyways. These times were hella bomb. I don't think....Let me rephrase that. There is NO ONE that can replace you mang cause that's how it's going down.

But now the time has come where you florish with even further success. It's time for you to go to college and be succesful after that damn I speak like I never going to see ever again... I hope that's not the case. But hey you'll be pretty busy with the college life. Just drop by and say "Hey guys" and you know what we'll say "Hey Matt" lol inside jokes for all you people reading this as well. And also, let's go chill when you and I aren't busy. :P

so yea. My letter to you bro.

-Edbert.

P.S. I'll always remember.

"Fate is what is given to us, Destiny is what we choose for it to become"

something like that right? ^ Bad ass line :P

Parents troubles

So after practice today, "I'm ready for a lecture from my mom now" I said as we walked out to where I was suppose to wait for my mom. So as she arrives and I'm packing up my things, I dread getting into the car. So as we're driving it's quiet except for the radio. So I'm thinking okay maybe she's been thinking or something happend to cause her not to lecture me about not having good grades, or about me going out to "hang out." So I'm like in my head "alright this is cool but then again this is too good to be true." And just as we turn right onto heading she starts up... oh my effing... sigh* w/e. So she rants about how she is always right and how like father like son whenever we don't listen TO HER things go wrong uuhhhhh conceited much? I mean I see your view some what. I mean my dad has a thing in this to. He's a nice, extremely intelligent, faithfilled guy, but like my mom rants sometimes right? like today, she was going on how my dad doesn't know how to do bussiness even though he has his own business irnoic right? It's just that he's a psuhover like me except this can actually make a big impact on his life I guess unlike me where I'm just a pushover just because uhhh haha.... w/e back to the point I mean this has happend before where my mom actually said grow some balls and go collect the money that your clients owe you. And I was like oh shit it is on. but my dad's nice guy mentality is like how am I supposed to collect money when people don't have money see Mom = selfish (depends on what the situation is she's not selfish when it comes to other things) while my dad is selfless but the flaw is that he is I guess foolishly selfless maybe I erno hey look opposites totally attract right? tell me about it... sigh* I mean Dad keep it real, mom calm the fuck down let's compromise? I've tried talking to my mom before. Her mentality is oh forget it everytime I try to your dad thinks he's all that and just gets mad and I guess it's true because a lot, at night I can't sleep I sure I don't have insomnia it's just I reflect and I think about people and things etc. but I hear and feel the emotions in my parents vocies I hear frustration and I sense stress. It frequently comes down to the fact that both must lower their ego and try to work with one another that's sorta what I tell my mom just not directly ... yea I fail I know. but it's just out of fear. but yea the need here is ears. and I don't know what to say anymore it's all too much take it away... let me run away.

To be or Not to be

That is [truly] the question.
Everyone has expectations for others and for themselves. No matter how high or low expectations are expectations. But with expectations comes decisions to make and ultimately the choices we make shape who we are. And one of the choices is to run. To run away from those expectations. We can't help but to have expectations well at least I can't. For me expectations are just there and are usually forced upon me. And sometimes or err usually I run. I retreat back inside myself, blinding myself from seeing what I really need to do. But sometimes I retreat to contemplate in this state of pondering, I seldom come to a conclusion of what to do or what to be. I don't want to be a doctor... sigh* right now my parents or actually my mom is constantly nagging at me oh there's only the chance of getting a job if I major in medical stuffs... Mom! shut the fuck up... I think it's too early for that I mean sure junior is upon me but don't bother me college shit right now I'm not fucking kid anymore... but of course I need your help here and there but just lay off it's time you put your trust in me... maybe I don't deserve it or you feel that I don't but give me a chance...just give me a chance and don't be so quick to judge...sometimes I wish you could be at one Matt's pep talks or life lessons... just..sigh* I know that you try your best understand but you're too hot headed, judgmental, and fucking stubborn as hell...and I'm not just going to bash my mom. My dad is pretty bad too but he's a nice guy...he just sigh* both of them just need work together more and try figure out problems to end and not just give up cause one is frustrated. Laying in bed at night racking my brains, thinking of what I can do is useless because I can never come to a conclusion of what I can besides focus on school cause that's the only thing I can do... but on top of that I just want to say it's about time you put your worries about me into other matters...I'm not saying put all of it somewhere else because that's probably impossible it's a parent second nature thing... sigh* I don't know anymore... help here friends? anything you'd like to say sigh*

What to do? The Fuck if I know.

I guess everyone gets to a point in life where they feel so empty. Like what the hell am I living for? It's just that feeling of emptiness or desperately trying to find that reason for knowing why shouldn't I go blow my brains out. Well I guess I could say I'm at the point in my life where it's sorta like that except I don't think I'm that much of person to go as far as pulling the trigger at least I hope. Being the person to usually fuck things up isn't fun no matter how small I've been ridicule for too long for fucking things up that I let it get to my head even though it's sometimes humorous ridicule if you know what I mean. And fuck I laugh along too yet it still gets to me. I guess it's embarrassment to an extent. Sometimes it feels like every step I take is another mistake. Yes Numb by Linkin Park. But I can only do so much correctly I am only human yet maybe a stupid human...Not even maybe I am a stupid human.

I mean seriously what kind of son causes his mom to call/compare him to a fucking dog. That's just pathetic. Maybe its how I go about doing things and it's not even something big and she fucking buries me in my guilt making me feel bad even though I reason with myself that she lighten up and.. and NO! no excuses...sigh* let's take it and put it away. But yea I don't know myself anymore when did I become such an emo fag >.> I don't know what to do with my life. At this point I could be happy to throw it all away but then my parents/friends would truly be disappointed and fuck here I go again trying to please others but fuck I'm trying to make myself happy by making others happy I guess something like that.

But right now I'm kinda scared. My grades are pretty bad I just need to get the 67 to a 75 in Bio Hons. I have Mr. Wong ---> fml. his grades are weird too a 75 is the lowest B-. But anyways I'm scared of Junior year it's going to be ther hardest year and I haven't gotten myself in check yet what am I going to do? And there's SATs fml. Whatever let's get through this. On top of that I'm afraid of losing my friends some friends don't talk much because I'm just a hella bad converser but some how we get a long but the chance of drifting is still good which is bad sigh* don't go please.

I don't know what to do anymore. There's some things I want but I can only have soooo much but it's not even material wants. Life is so empty. One thing I want most is to see my parents smile with me and the little ones and to even push it, to laugh with just the 5 of us but the past months have been killer taxes, bills, financial problems, and others. Is that too much to ask? just a simple chuckle why can't my family just be that simple family that gets along I mean of course there's no such thing a perfect family but all I'm asking for is a frequently more happy family that's all.

Another thing is I worried about so many other people oh how is he doing, how is she doing? I expect myself to be there for others and rely on me but I can't even be there or rely on myself. Who am I kidding? All I'm doing is making a fool of myself. I can't even keep a conversation going without saying what's up at least 5432432523453 times that phrase fucking pisses me off because I use it so frequently cause I don't know what to say, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!

All I know is that I'm a fool, a damned fool. Doomed to buried deep in his failure and misery. But in attempt to keep some form of optimism, my friends keep me going they bring that warm fuzzy feeling inside and coherently my family does that too I may not feel it as strongly as when I'm among friends but it's there when I chose to recognize it. You all are what I've got along with the higher power and I'm ever so grateful.

True Passion

Today I witnessed true passion. So there's this guy. Duy the the name don't wear it out haha. He's strong biggish fellow. Good character. What's not to love about him? So tonight after an amazing reenactment of the Passion of the Christ, I saw this guy cry just because of a reenactment. While he's crying I'm saying to myself "Fool, suck it up" just kidding. I was more like effing Duy stop it you're going to make cry too but luckily he stopped before I burst into tears haha. Anyways Duy worked hard to make the Passion work out to what it has become. We all did [the cast]. But you know to see tears of gratefulness like that, to see that impact on our director and audience goes to show how much we put into the Passion. That's passion for realz yo. haha f'sho f'sho.

Passion of '09

Something to Remember

Hey remember when we went to Aussie Anthony, Duy, Anh, Shirley, Nhi, and Martin? I can't tell who's next to Anh in the picture so uhh hahah ^-^

To be Drifting

Dear Anglea,
this is what I couldn't get out to when you asked what is wrong but f'sho I will try my very best not to let it happen.

Life is sort of like a river/lakeish. I'd like to say we start in a lake and we start drifting out towards rivers or streams and go along that path/river/stream. And during that ride, there may be some rapids, some crazy ass turns, and a lot of the time there are more than one way in to go in the river. I see the rapids as being the rough points of my life while the crazy turns could be the points in life where I do not which way I want to go or what I want to do in life, and the several ways that I will see is a symbol that there are decisions that we must make. And along this trip of life you will meet friends and you and your friends will form a caravan or something along those lines. But friends come and go. They can what I call drift away without you knowing and before you know it they're gone. I guess that's how I feel about some people right but instead of moving on, I linger. Questioning where are they? or maybe saying to myself I have to find them/him/her again. To be honest I hate when I drift. I hate to say it but maybe sometimes it may be for the better of things but no. I can't accept that. please don't drift away. please acompany along this long journey.

With utmost sincerity,
-Edbert