A letter to mom

Dear Mom,
When you read this please be understanding and compassionate. This letter is not meant to provoke anger.
Today on June 24, 2009, your three sons for the first time, cried because of the same reason: you. I came into the study room and saw Justin and Alex crying. I found out that they were crying because you said that you were going to leave. Apparently forever, I assumed that that you said that you were going to leave and not take them with you because they were crying, I don’t know I’m just assuming maybe you didn’t say that. But I was crying myself because I was wondering to myself how could you say that to Justin and Alex? Justin and Alex are only 9 and 7 years old. They are still very young and hearing you say something like that completely shattered their hearts.
I know that we are not the greatest sons ever but we’re your sons. I know you didn’t ask for children that run around the house and make loud noises or a teenager that argues with you but all this is just a part of growing up. As of now I am on my hands and knees begging you to open your ears and hear me out. After WYD, I realized that family was very important and what I wanted were strong bonds between our current family members. I’ve been changing and am willing to change further to make those bonds. Now let me ask you. Are you willing to change for the betterment of the family?
I know the family’s situation right now. We have no money. I know I’m going because I honestly don’t want to bother you at home. You say that I’m on the computer to much but look at these past few days. Have I’ve been home at all? Not really.
Look at your own ways. All you ever do is nag at everyone in the family. I mean of course it’s your job as a mom but you over nag. You nag at everything. Your mind set is so negative. You tell everyone that we’re going to be living on the streets.
I know that you care a lot for this family. Without you we wouldn’t have made it this far.
What I want is to keep our family together but the way I see it, the only way to keep this family together is if you change. I’m not blaming everything on you. Do you not see that what you and dad do ultimately affects us, the children? You didn’t ask for a husband who messes up in his business. But look at how he has sacrificed. I mean sure you were right he shouldn’t have quit Stanford you are correct in many things but not EVERYTHING.
The only way that anything is going to be resolved in this broken family is that if you TALK to him. Do you think saying oh I don’t want to talk to you is going to fix anything? NO IT IS NOT! When you talk to people, lower your voice please. Whenever you’re talking to dad you never let him talk you talk over him and you do the exact same thing to me. Again mom you are human you are not always right. Whenever you talk about touchy subjects calm yourself try not to yell and listen. Listening is a key point in a relationship.
Dad really loves you so much. I love you so much. And Justin and Alex love you so much.
I know that you have lots of stress but please don’t let that stress get to you. I know it’s hard not to the family doesn’t have any money, both parents don’t have a job etc. But we have each other. In times like these aren’t families supposed to try to stick together instead of breaking apart?
You are one of the many reasons that these family is still together without even one of the five people in this family though, this family will surely fall.
That’s all I have to say right now but just know that you are important to everyone is this family we just need to figure things out TOGETHER.

Irritated has moved to fucking pissed!

Right now in my mind,
I'm secretly saying to my mom,

FUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCH
FUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCH
FUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCH
FUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCH
FUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCH
FUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCH
FUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCH
FUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCH
FUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCH
FUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCH
FUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCH
FUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCH
FUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCHFUCKYOUBITCH

okay yea... I'l regret this later on but as of now FUCKYOUBITCH (Mom)

I''m willing/been changing for the betterment of the family.

I never asked you to scold at me
I never asked you to nag at me
I never asked you to fucking make my life miserable
I never asked for any of that

is your bullshit excuse oh because "I love you" I'm done with that as of now at the moment
deep down I know you love me but you know, if you do love me you have crazy ass ways of showing it.

Your pessimistic views affect the family so bad but you don't see it because you are blinded by your fucking ego okay so what if dad makes hella mistakes okay well GOD DAMN let it go try to fix it.

You say i go out too fucking okay well you know why cause every fucking thing i do makes you fucking unhappy.

I go out so that YOU can get away from ME.

okay so what if my room is messy to you to my standards its clean.

but you know what?! you NEVER GO into my room

you're either doing laundry or doing dishes or sitting on your FUCKING ASS ON THE COMPUTER ALL DAY looking for a job. IRONIC ISN'T IT?!

if you're not doing any of those you're at church every single day. Hey doesn't use gas? doesn't gas cost money? Oh well sigh* its church you're going for God or so you believe.

Well I wouldn't mind if you actually were going for God.

Okay you go to church at least 5 days a week but you know what you listen to the stuff in church that's a good thing right?

Well you know what? You're effort is meaningless! you know why?! cause you fail to LIVE it out.
For Pete's sake you tell my brothers, a 9 and 7 yr old, "we're going to be living on the streets" WHAT KIND MOM DOES THAT!?

Don't take your stress out on other people if you want to vent then vent about what's bothering you and don't fucking criticize everything you see omg seriosuly.

I just don't know what to say anymore.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tonight was the night I got sick and tired of my mom getting butt hurt,upset,pissed w/e

and blew up.

And so the shunning begins.

Well big stuff like this happens she shuns me.

Except she took it to another level with me i guess

since i have a bunk bed I share the room with Justin my 9 yr brother.

Mr brother came into my room and said "Mom told me to sleep in her room"

sigh* times like these I wonder where God is I know that he's always there but... sigh*

Faith in God for me is hard.

Thinking about it I'm a bad Catholic really.

I go to church twice a week.

7pm Sat at SP to set up and then I pretty much talk in the sacristine <-- erno how to spell that
830pm Sun at SP for friends basically

I have faith for the wrong reasons sigh*

As of now my vision for the purpose of mass is corrupted.

someone save me from all this misery...

can't wait for:

Swords Practice: Thursday
Flock Camping: Friday-Sunday
VYC3: July 2-5
Jamboree: July 11

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years."

I guess there's some hope in me just really hard to find. sigh*

Irritated

more than usual.

I'm starting to raise my voice agaisnt my mom again sigh*

Maybe i wouldn't if she wasn't fucking nagging me and trying to shut down everyone all the time damn bitch >.> I really don't mean that... nope yea I do as of now. I'm about ready to show her my backhand.....................................

Okay so I was out late 930 yesterday but with my dad and just a few minutes ago 910ish PM she's stormed in and sternly/angrily said what are you doing or you doing on your dad's computer.

so since she was pissed off I got pissed because I'm tired of her fucking petty peeves. So i said sternly back almost yelling but luckily held my tongue sorta...

I sternly said back I'm just emailing the guy that fixed my computer asking him wahts up cause its still crashing (Guy is my half-brother in law) mom hates their guts (my half sisters)

and she goes on about how my dad raised me wrong or in h is way okay i was in my head aw hell no.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She just stormed back in saying

oh you always sit on the computer I was out for hours these past days.

oh house isn't clean

you always sit thining we have money for internet

i'm going to cancel internet

she'll proably do taht

cause she's piised at my dad sigh*

fuck this is happening fast to much to explain i'm going to take a walk

Interesting

So today I sorta ushered my dad into a conversation about my half sisters.

Well cause my computer broke and so we were on our way to pick it up and like he started talking mentioning their names. And so i decided to just ask oh what happened and stuff.

It was a confusing story because he was hiding some stuff I guess I'm not old enough yet haha

but anyways apparently my mom didn't like them. As everyone knows, my mom is a very hateful person at times sigh*

but you know I came to visit today the older one I think don't remember. But it was one of them.
Her husband told me what to install into my dads computer for his leisure projects involving power point and what not and he said my comp was all fixed he's really good at programming according to my dad.

It was good seeing at least one of half sisters and my half brother in law? ... yea haha it was
havent seen them in probably more than 5 years or actaully talked to them but yea it was cool

so after like a week and a half of waiting for my computer, I just got home right now plugged it in, and it's still crashing... fml. haha but its not that bad really having a broken computer got me out more i guess and I'm not on as much haha oh wells I feel happy for i erno I just do erno why

maybe it was cause I was laughing with Duy, Chanda, Shirley, and Anh Troung <--- Can't spell viet x] so much i swear not stuff laughing for at least a good 5 minutes. What were we laughing at? Me laughing xDDD

Errr... Schedule

I err really need help with alg 2 but can't afford a tutor so if you can help give me a call or email me plox

Friday- SC library to study?
Saturday
530PM- Mass at SP -> Set Up -> dinner with GL leads
Sunday
900AM-VN practice

June 22-28
June 24 pick up Pre PSAT scores
June 22-25-Libary again
June 26-27 YM camping
June 28- Dress Reheresel

After june 28 its basically a free schedule hopefully I can start FEDs again I need to have a serious talk with my mom

Umm

July 2-5 VYC III

July 4-14 - Favorite cousin or cousins coming over from Houston

July 11 Jamboree

July 27 Alg 2 Proficiency test fml.

thanks

umm dont read this blog please i mean if you do dont worry about this. this was awhile go but yea thanks just dont say anything ;]
[18:35] D 4ngie: Okay, so I have to apologize for always being busy lately when you IM me. Bang* HEADSHOT. But really, I never got to ask what was up that day and I read your blog. I'm so sorry you feel that way, but you must know that you're not useless. And I know you're probably thinking, well, yeah, of course you're going to say that. Everybody's going to.
[18:35] D 4ngie: But for reals, you're not. And you need to freaking believe me. You know why? Cause I freaking said so.
[18:35] D 4ngie: So you're probably going to be like, okay fine. Why am I not useless?
[18:38] D 4ngie: Edbert dear, all those things you listed that you "failed" you have not. Everything you say, there is a purpose to it. Your "attempts" will come through. Because they're all attempts to try to lighten the mood, make someone feel better, betterfy a situation, or just have a great time. And honestly, I don't think it's ever a failed attempt if you choose to try to make something better.
[18:40] D 4ngie: Take me for example. When we talk, you already know we both laugh like there's no tomorrow. I mean, who the hell actually touches the screen when they type *touches the screen*. Apparently we do x] We have our "verbal" my den fights all the freaking time, and I honestly still think that you're blacker than you think you are I like that, even though it feels like your family's always arguing and fighting, I like that you always want to make it better
[18:41] D 4ngie: I like that you always want to do something about it, even though it doesn't work out in the end and thigns just come back to normal. Edbert, there's no way things can be better just like that, it takes time. And even though it may even be a helluva long time before it actually happens, just know that it will, as long as you're willing to stand through it all, and I know you are.
[18:42] D 4ngie: You're not living a lie. You're just going through a tough time, and really, who doesn't? We're all human. Hang in there buddy And please, don't hesitate to call out of the blue and wake me up from my sleep Give me a call at 3am just to talk, and I'll be up within the next half hour of the phone call x] I really do enjoy talking to you dear, and I hope that you somehow come to the end of this "tunnel of depression". You'll be fine(: Lean on me.

A bit of Inspiration

Okay so I guess I've been down lately. I think that not motivational thing about summer is kicking in. Big time. Can't blame anyone but myself I guess. Not the greatest son a parent or parents could ask for *sigh*

But talking to a certain someone made me feel a bit better today.

She asked what did I want to be when I grow up?

I answered oh a doctor but ultimately a good cook

You know what she wanted to be?

Happy.

Looking back... all I seem to do is dwell on the pessimistic view of life.

That's all I ever end up thinking up at night for the past few nights.

I want to go lay in the grass look up and be carefree like I was back then.

Useless

This feeling is such a crappy feeling.

I guess there's no running from the truth. All I do is stay up late, sleep in, play games, clean up here and there, and sit around on a computer or I did sit around on a computer. My computer has crashed so I've been using my dad's but I've been on less.

I really should be doing independent study of Alg 2 the proficiency test on July 27. I have to keep an organized portfolio of my work and I'm like on chapter one I feel like i'm not going to make it which I probably won't. Man my life is such bullshit.

All I do is say something and then don't do it. Oh I'm going to help my mom more. doesn't happen.
Oh I'm going to talk to this person more. doesn't happen. Oh I'm going to study more. doesn't happen. Oh I'm going to go find a job doesn't happen. Oh I'm going to move on from the past. IT DOESN'T FUCKING HAPPEN

FUCK, I'm just a fucking lazy ass.

All I do get yelled at by mom constantly for the stupidest things but it's like fuck I"m just blaming it on my myself why can't I be a better son why? why are my parents angry at each why can't be even more nicer to my brothers {I don't think I'm nice at all I've lighten up a little maybe...} just fck it all I can't even give good advice.

When a friend is telling me a problem, all I can ever do is sit there and read, nod, say mm I see. I feel so useless when I can't say anything because I haven't gone through that situation yet or I just can't think of things on the spot all i can say is the obvious oh you just talk to them omfg just I'm frustrated with myself.

I can't do anything right...

I feel that everything I say is useless...
an attempt to be funny fail
an attempt to verbally defen myself or others fail
an attempt to help my family stay together fail
an attempt to... the list goes on i can't bear it any longer

I feel that I'm living a lie. I am lying to myself. I am lying to others.

I try to be what I am not. at least i think so.

Maybe I over analyze things. Sometimes when I say or act upon something such as a situation or w/e I feel like I'm putting on a show. I want to believe so much that it hurts that that is truely who am but i always have dobut that that's not me. But I want that to be me. I wan it so bad. yet I am so self conscience. w/e i'm done with this.

3 Words the make my day

Funny. I'm talking about this as if this was a moment so dear to me.

Yesterday after some basketball with Matt, Andrew, and Andy, Matt's mom took the car and we were like oh shit because I had to be home before 9 but wouldn't because Matt's mom took the car but then I decided to just call my dad and pick me up cause you know I'm just tired of my mom nagging at me it's time to make better decisions. So anyways my dad picks me up and Matt's mom called my mom to explain stuff and apparently I could've stayed at Matt's for another hour or so depending on how long it his mom to get the car back but by that time I had already called my dad.

So in the car with my dad, he tells me to call up my mom and tell oh what does she and little bros want to eat so I call her up and I'm like "Hey mom, dad asks what do you guys want to eat?" by that time it was liek 830 so my mom is like "oh we're good. Already getting ready for bed" So I was like oh okay then she says oh i thought you were going to be at Matt's for another hour and I just said oh "You wanted me home before 9 so i just called dad"

Then she said: What a good boy. I LOVE YOU.
(the good boy part makes me sound like a bitch fml.)

But you know after I heard "I love you" I blocked everything out. In my head, damn my mom hasn't said those words in hella long to me or as a fact to any one of my brothers or my dad. I was in shock. Maybe I'm deprived of things? Kinda sad.

It was nice hearing those words even though I'm sooo old now haha. (sixteen =D)

But still actions speak louder than words. I've always complained about my mom and had angst towards her but I guess it's just because I let my wants get the best of me.

It's just oh I want to be more independent but seh doesn't want to let go and I guess I've proven to her that I'm ready to be let go of yet.

But truly deep inside, I want to hang on forever I don't want to let go of my mom and dad. I seriously don't. They're the best and damn it's taken me this long to realize that they're truly the greatest people in the world. And I haven't gotten to know them well enough.

It's sad T-T in reality though, the road is coming to an end. or it's drawing near. I don't know what to do to get to know my parents better, they're always busy I'm not the one to talk a lot around my parents.

My want is to get to know them better so that when they have passed I can say I had a good relationship with them. hopefully i'm not jinxing them I'm sure they have a long while a good 20-30 more years even more =]

to all you younglings out there don't jundge your parents love them to the fullest.

Mr. Hegarty

8th grade Language arts and Social Studies teacher. Not only was he a teacher but he was a coach and a friend. Never did try my best in his class honestly... I really regret it now because he's gone and the time has past. Dr. Brian Hegarty passed away June 1, 2009. He was honestly a really good teacher. Looking back, from my current academic life, he was very close to the students. In high school your teachers don't make the effort to get to know you. You make the effort to get to know your teachers. Seeing as he made the effort, he did a great thing. He always seemed liked the optimistic type even though he was "mean" at times. okay Let's get real not even mean just cause we the students viewed him as mean because he sometimes blew up i guess? at the students.
But hey look back, why'd he blow up? cause we were freakin' loud as **** and we hella disrespected him and other teachers can't blame him. Anyways we was a great guy wished I could've gotten to know him better...wow my big loss. Well at least I got to know him.

Mr. Hegarty rest in peace.

-Edbert class of '07